woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Randomize
