im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
