Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
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okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
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Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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