dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Randomize
