On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
