I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
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