remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
