I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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