to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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