i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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