I want to make a zoo with you.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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