I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I need to calm my uterus...
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
