i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
