Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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