I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
