Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
