I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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