I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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