And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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