my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
