The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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