barbara walters just said penis...
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
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