But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
