Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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