Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
