theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
