i already hear my dad disowning me
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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