don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
the night ended with taco bell and tears
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
