No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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