just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
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Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
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Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
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