He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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