Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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