My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
