Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize
