so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
