You smell like a Billy Joel song
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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