you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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