i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
