I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
