No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
