so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
FUCK WHALES
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
