I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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