does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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