DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
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Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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