the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
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