Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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