Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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