Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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