youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
