is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
