Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
