Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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