There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
