i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
