You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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