After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Randomize
