ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
