Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I have feelings that need drinking.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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