Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
