it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
